When I looked at impressive yoga asanas (poses) in the social media, my mind immediately thought, “I wish I could do that…” or “How long did it take for her to do such amazing asana?” or “Ok..next time on the mat I want to try this out because this looks cool…” and so on. And when I successfully attempted the pose, my ego inflated, “Oh I can do that…”. As soon as I realised that my ego had just increased, I came back to the awareness that yoga is beyond a successful attempt of the asana. The asana is just the medium to attain yoga: to get the inner peace, to accept life as it is, to realise the Truth.
If by doing an asana we actually feel more superior than others -our ego inflates- that is not yoga, no matter how well we are in executing that asana. Indeed, the more advanced we are in our yoga practice, the more it gets harder to dissolve our ego because we are at the point of doing such “impossible” asanas. Yet that is actually the point of yoga practice: to get rid of the ego, no matter how impressive the asanas are.
Our ego is always hungry, yet feeding it will make it hungrier.
It is very normal to feel depressed when we regularly do our yoga practice. That is because we deplete our ego. And as soon as our ego is starving for attention, it can make us feel depressed. Because by nature, ego is addictive. Let’s say we get 10 likes for our asana picture…soon we want to get 100 likes…when we reach that we will want 1000 likes and so on. Our ego is always hungry, yet feeding it will make it hungrier. That is the danger of ego. When we constantly feed our ego, we are in the vicious cycle of suffering. Craving is the origin of suffering and ego creates such infinite craving.
Then, how should we deal with our ego? By acknowledging it. When the ego gets inflated, be aware of it. By being aware of this subtle change in our mind, we can slowly let this ego dissolve. When we feel depressed in our practice because we deplete our ego, just be aware of that feeling. Ask ourselves, “Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel that there is no point in life? Why can’t I be special just for one second?” Then we should acknowledge that these questions are those asked by our ego. Only then we can slowly let these thoughts go away.
When ego creeps into our mind, take a deep breath and remind ourselves the true yoga, the ultimate Truth – we are nothing but the sense of knowing.
I think about death every single day. In the past, I thought about death as an escape from living the life I despised. I was depressed. I was very much suicidal. The uncertainty of what happen after did not deter my will to die. I wanted to cease into nothingness because I was tired to be hurt. I was sick of being emotionally intense, yet at the same time there was a giant empty hole inside my stomach that made me nauseated and sick of life – that is a life with mental illnesses.
When I thought I was dying, I was actually scared. I wanted to throw up. I thought “Sh*t, I made a mistake. I didn’t want to die.” Then I freaked out. Then I ended up in ER. Those suicide attempts actually actions I took not because I wanted to die but because I no longer wanted to live this life.
Fast forward to now, of course it is not always sunny and bright. However, with Yoga I am able to separate my emotions to a certain extent. I am not so tired of life anymore. There are days when I feel “what’s the point…” and there are also days when I don’t feel like crawling out of bed. But there are days that my mat is calling me, inviting me to be present on it to practice yoga. Somehow it gives me a sense of purpose. Not all the time, but blessings come when we expect them the least. Like yesterday I was finally able to roll into chakrasana. I was also able to float in dandasana. I was happy. I didn’t see them coming. These little blessings keep me going forward. Keep me in check. Keep me away from suicidal thoughts.
The Tibetan monks read Bardo Thodol in front of the corpse to guide the dead into realising the true nature of mind – depicted as luminous white light.
But I still think of death nowadays. Not in a negative way but I am contemplating about it. What happens after? I came across Bardo Thodol (Tibetan Book of the Dead) that lays specifically what happens after our physical body dies. It describes how our consciousness lingers around for a few days after death and how it starts projecting imagery that makes us feel scared or drawn into it afterwards. The Tibetan monks read Bardo Thodol in front of the corpse to guide the dead into realising the true nature of mind – depicted as the “luminous white light”. If our consciousness does not realise this true nature of mind, Bardo Thodol says that it will stay in the non-physical realm for about 49 days before it takes a new birth in the physical realm. Burning the corpse is also believed to prevent the consciousness to be attached to its old physical body. It is very interesting concept of death – a mere transit point before next incarnation.
Maranasati – death awareness/ meditation technique can help us prepare for our death. Death is in fact an opportunity to end the cycle of suffering through discovering our true nature – the sense of knowing. Upon our passing, we have a chance to be absorbed into the universe, melting the “I” and “Mine” – merging our consciousness with the infinite universe. This is the ultimate union of Yoga. Though personally I found Maranasati a little too much – imagining us as the corpse, corpse eaten by vultures, etc. I think I am not ready yet for this type of meditation. Right now, I am just sticking to experiencing the true nature of ourselves – this very sense of awareness.
Alone in the spiritual sense represents the union that we are all one sense of knowing.
Another thing that should be tackled so that we are ready for death is fear. As humans, we experience fear. Any fear in this life actually stems from our biggest fear – the fear of death. By tackling the fear of death, we can live life to the fullest extent. Of course this is not about taking things to the extreme, but experiencing life as it is. We ought to enjoy what comes and goes because nothing is permanent. Contemplating on anicca (impermanence) also makes us ready to experience death – as we understand fully that our physical body is decaying. We actually experience mini births and deaths every single second as our cells are replaced.
What if we feel lonely after death? In the end, we are all alone. But alone here does not refer to the physical aloneness. Alone in the spiritual sense represents the union that we are all one sense of knowing. We are everywhere. In the ground, in the air, in the flowing water. Everything is us. We are everything.
“How do you define success?” I was talking to a friend about what does success mean in life. Often, people think of it as having a dream job, being rich, surrounded by a beautiful family, having a perfect body and so on. All that can be seen by our eyes. Some religious people would also add that success is about getting into heaven after we die. And many more. There are a lot of variables determining one’s “success”.
Our environment conditions us to study hard to get into top universities, work in a dream company earning 6-digit salary and so on. But what for? Only to enjoy a holiday which will soon be disturbed by work emails? Only to sit in an expensive restaurant to rant to friends about how evil the bosses or clients are? Only to attract materialistic spouses? Only to make people envy and soon finding it hard to distinguish who the “true” friend is? What for?
Yoga starts with suffering. When we suffer emotionally and physically, when we have an inner conflict, we need yoga.
I was unhappy for most of my adult life. I went into world-class university, had good grades, had a job which paid more than enough for a fresh grad, rented my own cozy apartment, was surrounded by amazing friends bla bla bla. But those didn’t matter. I was severely depressed. There was something missing in my life. I tried to dig deeper in religious texts but soon I found myself committing “sins” again. Then I felt guilty. Then I said damn it. Then I was depressed again. It was a vicious cycle. Then I said maybe if I find love, I will be happy. But soon that quest turned into one heartbreak. One heartbreak multiplied. Everything seemed to go wrong in all direction.
When I was depressed, I was losing it. I wasn’t functional. At the same time, I was constantly scared that I won’t be able to perform in my work, that I would start burdening my support system. But I didn’t get better. Subconsciously, I didn’t want to get better. Because I was scared. Because I knew I had to make a drastic change about my life. It was as if I needed to be reborn again.
Yoga starts with suffering. When we suffer emotionally and physically, when we have an inner conflict, we need yoga. The journey of purifying and liberating the mind starts here. I quit my job. I moved back to my parents’. I travelled to India to do my yoga teacher training. I am broke. It was a drastic change.
Then I am doubting whether I have been successful in life. Was I successful before? Was I successful by the time I graduated from the university? Was I successful by the time I spoke in conferences? Was I successful when I appeared on TV? Was I successful when people quoted my paper? If I looked around seeing how I think that my friends are more successful than me, I got very sad.
For someone who made multiple suicide attempts, I know finally that happiness lies not in money… Success is actually about letting go of whatever you’re proud of due to your ego.
I started teaching Yoga. It’s extremely fulfilling. I feel that I am not in conflict with my nature. I feel good when others feel good. But I don’t make enough money. Then doubts crept in again. I asked myself. Should I get a high-paying job so that I can be “happy”? But no, I wasn’t happy that’s why I quit an office job. Then I thought people would start to think what was the point of my expensive education? Actually no, they don’t care. They don’t care if I abandoned my prestigious degree for teaching yoga. They’re busy with their own lives. So I should just focus on what makes me happy. What makes life worth living. What makes life fulfilling. And no, it is not about money. For someone who made multiple suicide attempts, I know finally that happiness lies not in money.
Quite the opposite, success is actually about letting go of whatever you’re proud of due to your ego. Success is about being successful of letting go of money, fame, and status. Success is about being honest with ourselves about what makes us truly happy. In this way, I finally accept my mental conditions. I take things slowly because a stressful, rushing life doesn’t make me happy.
We are already successful. Because the past is the past and the future has not happened yet.
When one succeeds in Yoga, it’s not about being able to do advanced asanas. It’s not about becoming a public figure of “Namaste, B*tch”, or so on. Recently, I stumbled upon a yoga teacher job vacancy and the applicants were asked to “send your asana pictures.” It is equivalent to applying to a job and the applicants are asked to “send your pictures while studying”. Life is funny.
Succeeding in Yoga is when one has reached a complete union with everything in the universe. One’s ego completely dissolves. One has complete non-attachment to the “I” or illusion of the self. Of course, this could take many years or even incarnations to manifest. But, how to be successful in here and now?
We are already successful. Because the past is the past and the future has not happened yet. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t make you a successful person now. Whatever will happen in the future doesn’t determine the success in the present, now.
Be good, be kind, eat more vegetables and be happy.
We often heard that mountains are sacred. But why? Their mysticism relies on many things. Perhaps mysterious creatures and spirits are one aspect. But why do spiritual seekers travel up to the mountains in pursuit of enlightenment? Why many great masters are known to have received revelations on mountains? Sadhguru said that awakened beings deposited their knowing on mountains in the form of energy – think of it as mystical library storing the Truth of the Universe. That’s why many pilgrims go to mountains to take in this energy of knowing with them. Also in yogic traditions, it is often told that yogis meditated and lived for hundreds of years in the Himalaya mountains – and subsequently attained samadhi.
The bliss felt so pure that I just knew that it must have been transmitted by Divine Energy.
I can speak from my personal experience that I, too, have been blessed to feel the energy of Universe from the Himalaya mountains. They said that our “third eye” is opened when we derive the energy from the sacred mountains. Seeing from the third eye means that another dimension of perception has been opened for us. Intuition sharpens and subsequently, the insight about the world is gained.
The key to receive this wisdom is not to look for specific things when we are in sacred mountains. We should rather let ourselves sway with nature, feel the presence of anything – anything that comes to our senses. Whatever we are doing, be it walking, eating or even just breathing, make every part of it as our meditation. Be aware of everything. Grasp everything. We will eventually feel the deep connection with Mother Nature. How do we know it? By experiencing it. In my experience, I felt an instant bliss whilst gaining several insights about life. The bliss felt so pure that I just knew that it must have been transmitted by Divine Energy.
It was August 2019 when I was on an empty mountain pass in Ladakh. I was feeling the breeze of wind when suddenly I came to a deep understanding about life. Without even looking for it. It just came to me in the form of thoughts and emotions. At the same time, I felt that I wanted to cry. A cry of joy. A cry of peace. A cry of liberation. From that moment I knew I should listen. I knew I should watch my thoughts as they were coming because I would never know when would be the next opportunity to receive such message.
You’re a yogi. Be aware. Do not attach yourself to anything.
Mother Nature says to me:
#1 “When you’re in an undisturbed areas of nature, you’re in close contact with the origin of beings (me – Mother Nature, Divine Energy or whatever you want to call IT). I am talking to your heart. Whatever relevation you come to understand, you know it’s true when you feel an instant bliss.”
#2 “Now you are reminded of things you have lost. You feel uncomfortable. You feel scared. You feel nauseated. This is because you place an expectation of how things should be. You are aware of those emotions now. Now it’s time for you to understand that the loss you suffer was indeed a lesson of life in order to realise enlightenment. Practice letting go of material things then slowly you will be able to practice letting go of this body, of this incarnation. Yes you can do necessary things to claim for your losses so that you wouldn’t regret you didn’t try. But remember this… While you’re doing that later, don’t hope for a certain outcome to manifest. It might be very tempting but let nature handles your karma. Keep smiling when you deal with it. This way you will learn how to be equanimous in life. You’re a yogi. Be aware. Do not attach yourself to anything.”
Heaven and hell are right here, right now. They are all inside your mind.
#3 “When you let go of expectation and desire, you will see things or persons that you desire differently. You will be freed of passion. You will have a calm state of mind. You will see that things don’t matter anymore. You will direct your energy into doing what is right, at this very moment, as opposed to doing things because you want them to be in a certain way.”
#4 You asked yourself: “How to balance between living in the present and planning for the future?” I said: “By being present you are determining your future. Don’t think of heaven or hell as the goal when you die. Heaven and hell are right here, right now. They are all inside your mind. You are free to choose to live a heavenly life or a hellish life.”
Do not be afraid to be a rebel. Buddha himself was a rebel and he attained enlightenment anyway.
#5 “Ultimate truth is One. People use religions to achieve the same Truth. Whatever tools are there, whatever methods they feel closer at heart, they should employ it. Use tools which are not advocated by religious people or your environment but by the Divine seed inside you. Do not be afraid to be a rebel. Buddha himself was a rebel and he attained enlightenment anyway. Do what works for you, whatever connects you to the Truth, and not what people say will work for you. Don’t be afraid of not knowing what tools you should employ. Just keep trying. Keep failing, keep trying. Who cares. There is no deadline because the Truth transcends space and time. Death of your current life is not even your deadline.”
Ruminating in negative thoughts will only generate inferior cells.
#6 “The impermanence of things is such that every second we are dying and reborn again and again. Our old cells are replaced by new ones. By instilling positive thoughts we are generating good cells necessary for spiritual growth. Ruminating in negative thoughts will only generate inferior cells. The speed of this cycle is so fast that change is always possible. When you are angry, be aware of it and let it go. Your body is also getting rid of those angry cells as you let go of the emotion. The nature of life is such that the state of your mental body determines the state of your physical body. Mental body is so powerful that it exists even after the death of physical body. Train your mind and then liberate it.”
Dhiyo Yonaḥ Prachodayāt May this divine light inspire our intellect
“Do you miss meat?” My family and friends asked. “No.” I said firmly.
Then I wonder. How did it all begin? It’s not a clear-cut answer. I thought it would be useful to write about my journey. Maybe some readers could relate. Maybe some will be motivated. For whatever it is, it’s nice to share a story.
I started to be vegetarian end-January this year. But I was actually vegetarian few years back. These two experiences might look the same but actually they’re starkly different.
Back in the university days, I was vegetarian because it helped me concentrating for my exams. Because I didn’t feel lethargy while studying if I didn’t consume meat. It was purely due to health reasons. As soon as I finished my exams and completed my dissertation, I started eating meat again. I ate and drank everything mindlessly. And I was the unhealthiest after.
After my last psychiatric hospitalisation in December 2018, I started to contemplate. About a week after my discharge, there was a force inside me that kept telling me to stop and observe. It told me enough is enough. It told me to stop harming this body. This is when I started reading about meditation and learned to do it on my own. Then I stumbled upon five precepts. The first one was “to abstain from killing any beings”. Yes, including cockroaches or mosquitos. Suddenly it just clicked. It opened me to a wider perception in life.
I had cockroaches problem in my apartment back then. Prior to discovering the precept, I was mindlessly killing the cockroaches every time they appeared in my bathroom. Then suddenly I just watched them roaming around. I didn’t have the gut to kill them. It made me feel nauseated thinking of killing them. You might think I was afraid. Well, I wasn’t. It was the awareness inside this body that made me refrain from killing those poor cockroaches.
There was a conflict inside my head: “I don’t even dare to kill cockroaches, how can I dare to eat a dead animal?”
Gradually, I came to realisation, “If I don’t even kill cockroaches because they are living beings, then why did I harm myself? This body is nature’s gift and I should respect it.” Since then, I never return to my self-harm habit. Just like that.
During this time, I also travelled a bit to Myanmar and Nepal to dig deeper about meditation technique and lifestyle. And I was eating purely vegetarian meals during the vipassana retreat. Truly, in less than two weeks of not eating meat, there are tremendous changes in my body. I started to feel the health benefits of being vegetarian. My severe constipation disappeared. I started having more energy and less lethargy – just like how it felt back in my university days.
But the most important thing was that I had grown more sensitive to the consciousness inside my body. When I thought of meat, I immediately thought of a dead animal. There was a conflict inside my head: “I don’t even dare to kill cockroaches, how can I dare to eat a dead animal?”
I started to make a few changes in my lifestyle after my travel. I told my friends that I want to be vegetarian. But I wasn’t strict about it. Initially I told if I am being served a non-vegetarian meal by people who don’t know my dietary restrictions, I will eat the food out of respect. Slowly, I became fully vegetarian – I have wonderful family and friends who accommodate my vegetarian diet. I never go back to eating my then-favourite fried chicken.
It is very easy for me to not crave meat because I simply don’t have desire to eat meat. It is because of the consciousness inside that feel at peace if I don’t eat meat. Yes, it isn’t easy externally. I was literally the only vegetarian in my family and friends’ circle (before my India trip of course!). There are not so many vegetarian options in food stalls, fast food chains or restaurants so most of the time I cook my own food.
Recently, I stumbled upon few articles about some vegans and vegetarians who were horrified when they accidentally swallowed meat. However, in my personal experience, I don’t feel that the world collapses when I accidentally eat meat, I was just not feeling great after.
My personality traits and perceptions have changed significantly with vegetarian diet. I started to become less angry. I started to develop compassion. And I feel balanced most of the time. It is also not difficult to let go of negative emotions with vegetarian diet.
When we eat plants, we convert it into our body directly. But when we eat animals, there are residual emotions of the animals that we feel when our bodies have developed the sensitivity towards this experience.
In Yoga, vegetarian lifestyle fits into the element of ahimsa (non-violence). That vegetarian foods benefit the mind greatly. When we eat plants, we convert it into our body directly. But when we eat animals, there are residual emotions of the animals that we feel when our bodies have developed the sensitivity towards this experience. What are those emotions? Mostly the last emotion before they were killed – fear of death. In my experience, when I ate meat after I became more sensitive to the consciousness inside, I observed that I felt agitated, nervous and afraid. It was more difficult to be equanimous when I was covered with all these negative emotions. Then my practice was affected. This is why yoga recommends vegetarian diet.
One thing I learned is that nobody, except consciousness inside each of us can convert us to change our diet. Yes, we can motivate meat eaters to choose plants over meat but in the end, let others have their experiences. Personally I don’t belong to animal rights activism because I prefer to let people find the consciousness inside over being “an angry person screaming for peace”. Because the benefits are found within.
Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu May all beings be happy and free
No, I am not going to write about Kamasutra or Tantra Yoga here. Nor will I tell you how to have a healthy relationship with your partner. As a happily single woman, I am not in the place where I can offer such advice. Instead, let’s talk about the journey, the feelings that we experience and the expectation that we have when we are trying to find “the one”, a soulmate, a partner of life or any other names depicting a significant other.
I am in the age group in which the people – my relatives, friends, and acquaintances – are either married, having kids, or even divorced. Of course there is some kind of external pressure inflicting fear for single people in my age group that we will spend the rest of our lives alone, age alone and eventually die alone. The fear is so significant – some people even don’t mind settling for less, just because they are scared to be lonely.
We and our crushes are one, too! How could we then feel such deep loneliness without having a significant other by our side?
What is Yoga? Yoga is derived from the sanskrit word yuj which means union. Some say it’s the union of body, mind and soul. Others add: the union of individual soul and Divine Soul. Well, Yoga actually means the union of everything! It is the union of every energy, particle, sound, body and element in the Universe. We are all one in this infinite Universe and it is possible to grasp this when we keenly observe and meditate on the phenomena of the Universe. So, we and our crushes are one, too! How could we then feel such deep loneliness without having a significant other by our side?
We might fantasise that we will experience true happiness when we find the one. That we will have ultimate life safety when we build a family with that person. But, how many times have we experienced that expectation actually hurts? When we meet a wonderfully attractive person, how often do we imagine a life with that person, despite knowing that expectation hurts? How can we remind ourselves not to expect? The answer is through Yoga practice. We can dismantle the habit of having expectation by living in the present moment. On the mat, Yoga always tells us to notice our breath. Our posture. The sensations. The pain. The strength we gain. Experience not expect. Live not fantasise.
Yoga also taught us that the key to happiness is found within. We will never find happiness even though we marry the most attractive, richest and most successful person on the planet if we don’t have that joy inside of us. In fact, extracting happiness from someone else is quite selfish, so how can we say that it is true love? In the first limb of Ashtanga Yoga, yama, the fourth element is Brahmacharya. The translated meaning is celibacy. We can understand this as divine love. Yoga taught us to treat others with divine love that transcend any condition or expectation towards the people we love. We love not because we want a partner that pleases us emotionally, physically and sexually. We love because we have that true love inside us, which we shares with a significant other.
We will never be happy in a relationship until we are happy to be on our own.
So, Yoga is telling us that when we find a significant other, it is not that we want to live happily ever after with this person (nothing is permanent anyway), but we want to share the joy that we have. And we can never have that happiness without being okay with a single, solitary life. We will never be happy in a relationship until we are happy to be on our own. Yeah yeah yeah, we often heard that we have to be in love with ourselves first before loving others. Yet, how many of us are actually living this mantra? How many of us busy finding a new partner after breaking up with the old one?
Perhaps spiritual journey is easier when we walk the path alone. Of course it is also possible with a person that we love deeply. But when we are alone, we have the full liberty of questioning everything in this Universe, we have the freedom to do things without any kind distraction: emotionally, physically and romantically. We’re able to contemplate fully on life when we are alone. Contemplate to not to feel lonely because everything in this Universe is essentially a part of us. And we are also a part of the wonderful system of the Universe. So, celebrate this moment of single life!
Finally, the key to know whether a person is “the one” the Universe gives us is: when we are absolutely okay to let go and live without that person though we love him/her so deeply. That we always feel the magical union inside our heart. This also indicates that we are mature and ready for a divine, heavenly relationship. But don’t forget, once the Universe has opened your heart for “the one”, and once your heart knows that this is the person, don’t close it or else afraid that you might have to wait for another lifetime to find them! But if you’re okay with it, it’s fine too!
The word equanimous never occured to my mind until early this year when I joined Vipassana retreat. Prior to that, I only understood the peak and pit of emotions; either euphoric state of mind or an extremely depressed mood. This mind never knew how to be in between these states or being neutral in whatever situation that I was in. But is that being equanimous all about? To be in a neutral state, neither happy nor sad?
The answer is no. Equanimity is not an in-between state of emotions. It’s beyond emotions. At full realisation, it is a state of mind that is not influenced by circumstances that we are in. In fact, we can feel the euphoria when we enjoy something pleasant, at the same time, we can also recognise how to be equanimous by reminding ourselves that nothing is permanent. Some may understand this state as being in an unchanged equilibrium, yet, this state could also mean that there is no equilibrium to begin with – because all things start with emptiness. Thus, being equanimous is akin to recognising the origins of all being: Emptiness and subsequently the emptiness of mind. Nothing can destroy emptiness – it is as it is – and because it cannot be destroyed, it can protect us from all negative energies. We will remain in peace, attain Divine bliss and realise the ultimate Truth.
Of course, to be in the state of full equanimity requires a strong commitment of regular meditation practice and takes a long time to develop. Yes, it might take years or even several lifetimes to realise. However, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t waste our time practicing it because as the practice develops, we always gain the benefit – a blissful energy – of this state, irrespective whether we have achieved equanimity fully or not.
Prior to learning how to be equanimous and remind myself every time I experience sharp negative emotions, my mind was in chaos. My mental state was not functional. I was constantly angry and frustrated. Also, I suffered from terrible self-hatred. These emotions piled on because I never released them. Then suicidal thoughts came. Thoughts became actions. Another cycle repeated. Then another. It basically just went downhill from there.
Equanimity for me means coming to the mat no matter what.
Fast forward to my recovery months, I am a lot better. Equanimity for me means coming to the mat no matter what. There are days when I am feeling depressed, anxious, angry, a lot of heat, feeling like punching somebody when I spread my mat. Yet, I just keep going. Keep being aware of my breath. There are also days when a lot of noises affect my concentration that I just want to stop doing my practice but again, I just keep going. Without any expectation. It doesn’t matter whether I will feel good or not afterwards. I just keep going until I finish my sequence. This is my practice of equanimity. Once a day – 6 days a week. Sometimes I only manage to make it til 4-5 days a week. That is absolutely fine. Look at the bright side – it is better than nothing! Of course, there are limits. When I feel sick or strain my neck, ankles and wrists then I don’t do certain asanas or I cut short my practice. This is also fine. The key is being equanimous with whatever performances or emotions that I feel during the Yoga practice. It doesn’t matter whether I only do 1 hour instead of 1.5 hours. It is absolutely okay. It is more important to be in a steady state of mind whether I am on or off the mat. Everything is fine. All is well.
Another aspect of being equanimous is to not attach ourselves to the emotions that arise or pass our mind. Thankfully I rarely feel angry these days, instead, most of the time feeling annoyed (LOL) – but I try not to attach myself to it. I recognise the emotions and see how they will eventually pass. Of course, they will come again and they will go away one more time. And so on.
I don’t cling into the labels that I was diagnosed with, because when I am attached to them, I try to justify whatever harmful action that I was doing “because I have this or that disorder”.
When we don’t identify ourselves as our emotions, when we think of ourselves as a part of Universal Consciousness, we are training ourselves to be equanimous. Recognise but not attach. Recognise but not refrain. Just observe and experience how our body feel when any emotion arises. Notice our breath, heartbeats and any sensation or vibration arising from our body. We will then be more accepting of the impermanence of emotions and circumstances we are in. Besides, part of my recovery was to not attach myself to the mental health conditions that I was suffering from. That I don’t cling into the labels that I was diagnosed with, because when I am attached to them, I try to justify whatever harmful action that I was doing “because I have this or that disorder”. I did that in the past – but I have eventually learned that I should not think of myself as someone with depression or personality disorder etc but as the Consciousness inside this body. This has helped me heal faster.
Honestly I am still struggling to overcome the negative feelings inside but as I said, I just keep going. I keep my practice. I keep noticing my breath. It’s all good until we think it’s not (which means good or bad is all just perception).
I still remember vividly that the hardest part during my mental health recovery was the practice of letting go. Throughout my therapy year, I have been able to identify my emotions, thoughts and feelings as well as the underlying causes why I feel certain way or another. However, I was stuck when it comes to letting go of those intense emotions. Those emotions were still accumulated in this body and I wasn’t able to release them. I thought I did release them in some way but then they will all appear again and I wasn’t fond of experiencing those resurfaced emotions. When these moments came, they all felt like relapses.
In life, there were times that we were angry towards a situation or person. We were able to identify the causes of our anger. For example, a person might upset us through the words he/she uttered. Then we were able to say to ourselves something like, “probably he/she didn’t mean to upset me. Or even if he/she meant to hurt me, it doesn’t discount my worth as a person. It’s his/her problems.” Yet, after talking to ourselves, we still clinged into that anger. We couldn’t let go of the feeling even after self-analysing it rationally. This was literally me before I understand deeply the importance of regular yoga practice.
It is true that asana practice is only one out of eight limbs of Yoga. Yet, in this lifetime, asana has become so important because it is the efficient way to remind us to be aware of the present moment. With mindfulness, we are actually meditating in our asana practice.By meditating through awareness of our breath, movements and poses, we are able to practice how to let go certain emotions and expectations in life.
Life is good when things are right and even when things go wrong.
It is crucial that we come to the mat without any expectation that we will be able to do certain poses “perfectly”. It is also important to concentrate on every second of the practice that our past or future worries seem irrelevant. There are also certain asanas that allow us to release our repressed emotions. It is said that we store a lot of emotions in the hip-area. Thus, hip-opening asanas are good to release these emotions. There are moments when I cried during hip-opening asanas, which is good because I felt better after releasing these stuck emotions. In backbending asanas, we experience a lot of discomfort, in which we might feel some unpleasant emotions like anger or annoyance. We wanted to come off the poses quickly. Yet, we were supposed to hold the poses for 5 breaths. Through this, we acknowledge the discomfort, we feel that our heart beats faster, and with times, we will be able to finally surrendering to the situations thus let go of the discomfort and emotions attached to it. In the beginning, it is normal we might curse during these asanas because we’re not used to it, we might feel an overwhelming desire to just skip them yet as we practice more often, things become easier and we will be able to do them without the “ugh” feelings anymore.
Outside the practice, things can often go wrong in life. But if we are trained through our asanas to deal with difficult situations, the more things go wrong, the better we will be as a person. The more things don’t go the way we want them to be, the more we are used to not-so-pleasant things in life. And the more we surrender to the Nature, God, Universe, Divine Energy. Also the more we practice letting go of certain expectations of how life should be. Eventually, the more we are reminded of death – when we should eventually let go of everything that we have associated ourselves with throughout our lifetime.
I came across this phrase and this will always be my mantra when I feel out of control: “Life is good when things are right and even when things go wrong.” It reminds us to be equanimous in whatever circumstances that we are in. It is okay to be in a not-okay situation. Because that’s life.
We’re constantly told, indirectly or directly, that we need to be in certain shapes to be beautiful. We’re surrounded by people who feel guilty after indulging themselves in wonderful meals that they need to “burn the fat off”. Frequent exposure to all these have a powerful influence on us that we subconsciously and really believe there is something wrong with our bodies. If we lose some weight, fat, have bigger bum etc. then we will be happy. The question is, will we?
Even among Yoga practitioners, there are some who came to the mat because they want to lose weight. Of course, being in healthy shape is desirable but if we’re solely targeting on the kilograms we lose, we will miss the most crucial part of the asana practices: controlling our mind by having strong and flexible bodies.
People can do all sorts of exercises, going to gym etc to keep them in healthy shape, however, in my personal opinion, yoga has greater advantage when it comes to honouring and loving our bodies. In conventional exercises, the trainers will push you to your limit with occasional saying like “burn that fat off”, “tone your flabby stomach” etc which actually in some cases make us hate our bodies more! Which goes to the opposite of honouring our body.
Yoga emphasises on three main aspects: awareness, acceptance and surrender.
In Yoga asana practices, all bodies are yoga bodies. There is no such thing as having certain body shapes to do the poses. There is less focus on weight loss, toned abs or perfect gluteus or anything that elevates the ego. Having big or no muscle is not important at all. Of course through the physical practice of yoga, we will be stronger and more flexible. But those are just the side effects that we shouldn’t see as the main goals. Instead, the practice aims to balance and unite our body, mind, senses and soul. It emphasises on three main aspects: awareness, acceptance and surrender. How do we apply these on our practices?
AWARENESS means being present. Awareness during yoga practice means noticing every inhalation and exhalation, observing how our body moves in certain poses, the sensations deriving from the poses, and most importantly, awareness of our mind: how our mind deals with challenging postures, or how our mind tries to escape the difficult poses, or our fear of falling. It also includes awareness of how our ego increases or dissolves as we come into a pose. When we’re aware of all these, we will ultimately realise and connect with the Soul inside each of us.
ACCEPTANCE means that there is no competition whether your chaturanga is better than other practitioners. There is no pushing over your limit. It’s okay if we cannot do challenging poses like arm balancing, headstand, handstand or splits etc. It’s definitely okay to use props: blocks, straps, and chairs or to modify certain poses because we cannot do the full pose – we’re still working on the same muscles anyway. Acceptance does not mean that we refrain from trying to do challenging poses or giving up when we actually can endure the challenges. Acceptance means that we know our limit and we’re continuously working on how to improve our practices. It’s like telling ourselves: “It is okay if I cannot do inversions without the wall but I will continue practicing and eventually someday I will be able to do it. Even if that takes long time, I will continue my practice. If I still cannot do it after months or years of practice, it is okay. My worth is not measured by whether or not I can do certain asanas”.
We SURRENDER our practice completely to the Universe. We let go of everything because all things are impermanent.We let go of pressures and worries. We let go of the desire to have a flawless body. Some days we can do certain poses but in other days those poses seem impossible: we let go of our our ego to achieve “perfection” in these poses or doing extreme poses to the point we sacrifice our body. We let go of rushing into getting into certain poses. In challenging poses, for instance, we have a tendency to not breathing but when we surrender and focus on our inhalation and exhalation, those poses will actually be easier.
Yoga allows us to love and respect our body AS IT IS, to nourish it with nutritious meals and drinks, to make it stronger and more flexible. Yoga keeps us humble through the practice of dissolving ego. Yoga keeps us in peace through letting go of superficial “perfect body”. Yoga keeps us discipline through regular practice. Yoga keeps us motivated when we realise we eventually can do poses that we have been trying for long. Yoga allows us to connect further with the nature and to thank the Universe for the body that has been given to us in different shapes and forms. And ultimately, when physical death is near, yoga allows us to smile – since we have no attachment whatsoever to the body that we live in.
I have always wanted to write on this topic as I have been through some personal issues on weight gain after coming off my medications. It was more than a year ago that I started to feel low, suffered from almost daily insomnia, emotionally unstable, unhappy and eventually it led to depression. It was hard to imagine now that about a year ago I used to have suicidal thoughts constantly in my mind and as far as a couple of attempts to end this precious life. I was put on antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications for about a year and I was also on regular therapy sessions. Finally earlier this year, after consulting my doctor, I decided to stop my medications.
I thought it was gonna be easy. IT WASN’T. My body was adjusting, I was in constant hunger. I gained so much weight after. Then I travelled to India. I gained so much more even taking into account that I was doing very active physical activities during my yoga teacher training. I initially refused to weigh myself because the little voice inside my head will tell me that I need to lose few pounds – which will shortly turn into obsession to return to my previous weight, body measurements, clothing size and so on.
When I came back from my holiday, there are some who commented casually how “fat” I am now – though I am far from being overweight and I have gained a lot of muscles all over my body (pretty sure after regular Ashtanga practice!). I tried to brush the comments off. But eventually after I made peace with my body, I stepped on the scale and it turns out that I have gained 10kg! I was surprised about the number because this is gonna be my heaviest weight after years. Yet, surprisingly I didn’t feel or look like I gained that much. I look healthy, relatively toned and a lot happier than my dark depression period. This has proven me that numbers on the scale don’t determine both my mental and physical states.
Numbers on the scale don’t determine both my mental and physical states.
Yes, during this weight gain period, I was struggling with body image issues. I cried because my trousers don’t fit me any longer. I worried about these casual comments. Eventually I managed to shift my priorities. Yes, I did eat A LOT of foods that’s why I gained weight. In fact, I was eating 6-7 times a day in the last few months. But I am not gonna compensate through restriction, diet or overexercising. In fact, I don’t even regret it. I enjoyed my foods. I was enjoying my holiday and life.
Because of my regular yoga asana practices, I have been loving myself, especially the body that I reside so much more than before. Self-harm was common for me before my recovery but I have not done it ever since I stopped my meds. I have been aware of my emotions and how those emotions connect to my physical body. What I am striving for now is to accept my body as it is. To eat more mindfully. To remain as vegetarian. To be discipline in my yoga practices. To come to the mat on regular basis (6 days a week). To be stronger. To be healthier both physically and mentally. and the most important is to be enlightened. Of course, the scale is so unimportant. It doesn’t define me at all. How’s your story?
healing through yoga 