It cuts deeper

Did I just go back to square one when it comes to mental illnesses? Oh no honey, you were far back, regressing to about minus 100. Yep, that’s how I have been feeling lately. The agony cuts so deep, even deeper than the previous ones that I had years before. I have been suspecting a different diagnosis this time but I haven’t seen my psychiatrist yet, maybe I will find out that soon when I see her. I have been experiencing bouts of intense negative emotions, which sometimes came out of nowhere as well as from the surrounding negative energies that I was stuck in.

I know that I should stop finding the meaning of life because it is me that should create one. But I have been feeling the pointlessness of living – so much that I feel tired endlessly during the day but very disturbed at night. I found myself easily extremely agitated and bitter too. Jealousy about other people’s lives also crept in. I tried to calm it down based on what I have learned to no avail, okay maybe just a bit.

If you are reading this, you can really well notice the fumbling and mumbling of my writing depicting my current state of mind. I am writing so clumsily but I am going to post this anyway. It is always good to release things that bother me – sort of a way to let go of things that don’t serve me any good.

And I have been concurrently, subconsciously and consciously, avoiding my ashtanga practice. I don’t mind practicing primary series but when I think about practicing second series, my body just responds by feeding my anxious mind on how uncomfortable I will be in kapotasana.

It has been my nemesis pose though on the outside, I do it pretty well but the inside, that is an absolute hell. I need to put my mind on the track again. I need to turn inward and talk to myself again, to confront the particular fear of pain because I have been in pain for so long anyway so it should be nothing to be scared of. But it is not the same as numbing the feeling – that is what I would do in the past. Numbing all my feelings had negative repercussions on my memory. I had problems recalling medium to long-term incidences and even sometimes short-term ones. It was like I just moved through life with the bliss of ignorance, but I knew someday it would explode. And it did.

This time I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. I want to feel the pain, the agony, the suffering and all that come with them. I want to experience and see them as they are so that I can fully and eventually make peace with them before I die. Oh dear, only if you understand what I say.

Published by maya yogini

yoga student + teacher, mental health survivor

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